Monsters are Real 6:25 PM

Monsters come in a seemingly infinite variety.  Although their popularity fluctuates, there are specific horrors that have continually occupied the collective pop culture consciousness.  In honor of this holiday season, Sleeping Horse Pills takes a look at some classic monsters.  In this installment we focus on Vampires.

DRACULA

Dracula is arguably the most famous of all the Vampires.  These mythological bloodsuckers have been been around ever since evolution presented the very first human necks worth biting, long before the Twilight franchise went and douched vampires up forever.

1934 Max Ernst vs. Twilight

Vampires first became popular in the 18th century when Eastern European culture slowly migrated into the west.  It was 1897 when we were first introduced to Dracula himself via Bram Stoker's genre defining novel.  It was nearly 100 years later when I noticed a resurgence in the popularity of Vampires while I was attending High School.  I actually found most of the Goth Chicks really attractive.  Getting past all the black Victorian clothing and Egyptian Ankh's was an annoyance while trying to get to the pale skin beneath,  but it was nowhere near as annoying as having to deal with the ever present Anne Rice novel.

Sexy Goth Girls?  You Decide.  Answer after the jump.

A

B

C

Yeah, Twilight is bullshit and 1994's Interview With A Vampire was pretty dumb too.  They represent the unfortunate trend of dumbing down the mythos and candy-coating the sexuality already inherent in mythological beings for the gratification of tweens and frustrated housewives everywhere.  Karg puts it best when he says "Vampires are just sick.  It just reflects sexual perversion in women".  It's funny because it's true.

Not all Vampire films have been as vapid and ridiculous as the previously mentioned box office nightmares.  Max Schreck plays one of the most recognizable manifestations of a vampire ever portrayed, in the 1922 silent film Nosferatu.  It can be seen in it's entirety here.  The symphony music is pretty cool, but it's awesome if you start it at 1:19:00, turn down the sound and crank the Static Age album by the Misfits instead.  Nine short years later, Bela Lugosi would make Vampires the sexy, suave characters we know them as today in the original film adaptation of Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Two Awesome Vampire Flicks You Might Have Missed:

1.  The Hunger - I am always amazed at how many people have not seen this amazing 1983 vampire flick starring Susan Sarandon, Catherine Deneuve and David Bowie.  Yeah that's right, David Fucking Bowie!  Deneuve and Bowie are stylish vampires who are too cool and high class to use fangs.  Instead, they slit the throats of their victims with tiny blades hidden in their matching necklaces.  Deneuve grows weary of her lovers every few hundred years so only grants them partial immortality.  When David Bowie begins his rapid decline we meet the famous Dr. Sarah Roberts played by a young Susan Sarandon.  Bauhaus has a cameo as a band in a nightclub playing "Bela Lugosi's Dead" and it's has one of the best lesbian love scenes ever filmed.  If Twilight makes you come in your pants then this movie will make your fucking head explode!

2.  Vampire's Kiss - Fans of the zine might remember a short review of this film in the piece entitled Nicolas Cage Amazed and Disgusts from Sleeping Horse Pills Issue #1.  Another entry in the 80's canon of vampire flicks, this dark humor has Nic Cage at his most brilliant as he plays a delusional Manhattan executive losing his mind as he rapes and murders in the belief that he has been bitten and turned into a vampire.


I put together some of my favorite moments from Vampire's Kiss and The Hunger in the very short video.  There's one small F bomb so slightly NSFW, the video and the answer to the multiple choice quiz can be seen after the jump, check it out!

The Nam Diaries 11:46 AM

Michael:  I'll tell ya one thing, if I find out my life had to end up being in the mountains, it'd be all      right, but it has to be in your mind.                                                                                                       Nick:  What?  One shot?                                                                                                                         Michael:  Two is pussy.   

                                                                      -The Deer Hunter  

The last time we checked in with Karg, he was navigating his way through Bac Ha, a cloudy hilltop village in the northern mountains of Vietnam.  Once again Karg shares, through his personal journals, the delicate balance between the hunter and the hunted deep within the Heart of Darkness.  National beer and Homemade corn wine are his only protection from the unexpected coldness of the climate.  The damp, chilly air at this altitude is reminiscent of the weather on the mountains of Western Pennsylvania in the late 1960's during deer hunting season.  Despite apprehensions, Karg travels even further into the mountains with Jimmy, the bartender from Wisconsin.  What fate awaits them amidst the mountain dwelling Hmong?  Do they make it back alive or does Jimmy play Nick to Karg's Michael?  This is our one chance to find out my friends, so put three bullets in the chamber and *click* the jump.  We only get one shot at this and Sleeping Horse Pills ain't gonna hunt with no assholes.

                              

Sleeping Horse Pills: Found Objects 8:25 PM

I'm always walking around with my head down.  It's a practice that lends itself to finding money or drugs that have carelessly been dropped by someone.  I developed this habit from years of trying to find money and drugs that I have carelessly dropped.  Years ago, on my way to a My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult show, I arrived in Denver only to realize that I had lost some party favors somewhere along the way.  I turned around and drove 30 miles back to Longmont and found my tiny stash of LSD in a huge Burger King parking lot strewn with greasy fast food wrappers and all the flotsam and jetsam a pit stop on the side of I-25 is wont to collect.  If anyone would have just casually been scanning the ground, their Double Whopper could have been a much more interesting experience.

It's pretty rare that I actually find anything as useful as cash or drugs but sometimes whatever catches my eye ends up being interesting.  As they say, "One man's trash is another man's treasure".  Please enjoy the first installment of Sleeping Horse Pills: Found Objects, in which I will share my collection of trash.

 

SHP:FO#1

I recently found this discarded/lost notepad at work.  I flipped through it, and most of it is simple, mundane tasks and notes related to the job.  But then I came across some writing that seemed out of place.  Some of the scribbling takes on the style of a journal entry and this catches my eye amidst the usual lists and reminders that typically define a work notepad.  There is some powerful venting and frustration that the anonymous Puncher of the Clock felt the need to record.  I have obscured the names to protect the disgruntled and to protect as well, the corporate machine this particular drone relies on for a life sustaining paycheck.

It looks as if this employee was gearing up for a meeting with the Management and was ready to get some shit off their chest about RED, whom they think just isn't quite pulling their weight.  Apparently, it's a response to an issue that has already been addressed.  The note to self even goes so far as to couch it in language that clarifies what they themselves are being accused of ("what you're saying is....").  I guess they thought they should get their thoughts down on paper so they knew exactly what they wanted to say in the upcoming meeting.  It is questionable that they would throw RED under the bus while using BLUE as a shining example of proficiency in the work environment.  I guess it just boils down to self preservation.  However, this dude should get a raise just for being prepared for such a meeting.  I wish I had the presence of mind to write that shit down.  Instead, I just walk around having that conversation in my head.  I stroll through the workplace very animated, talking to myself as I pantomime and fantasize about what the interaction might look like.  No wonder people stare at me.

This page of the notepad is a bummer.  And by bummer, I mean Totally Awesome!  As always, you can click the image to enlarge.  Kudos to this member of the American Workforce for being introspective and knowing what they do and do not want.  In a situation like this, do what old Rocky Dennis does.  First, failure is not an option.  Remember what Yoda says, "Do or do not.  There is no try".  And don't beat yourself up over some perceived failure, beat up your coworker or even your immediate supervisor.  It's amazing how much pressure of the job can be relieved by throwing a little boot stomping party for your least favorite supervisor.  Basically, do everything short of going in there with your guns a-blazin', so you can alleviate the need to associate being miserable with your workplace.  Seriously folks, what's the worse they can do, write you up for insubordination?  The Employer/Employee marriage is a fucking business relationship.  You are obligated to do your job and do it well, but you don't have to buy into their philosophical posturing or subscribe to their politics. Shit, here comes the boss! 

Road Jockey Portraits 9:11 PM

When I was a kid I wanted to be an "Army Man".  I played with the classic little, green plastic Army Men constantly and I think my mother still finds them half buried in various places throughout the yard of my childhood home.  A close second on my list of grown up occupations was an interest in pursuing a career as an Interstate Trucker.  The Army Man dream died pretty early when I realized that shooting people might be fun, but being shot might not be.  I also realized that I would never even make it through Boot Camp.  There was no way in hell I could tolerate some asshole yelling insults and threats inches from my face, trying to break me down only to build me back up into a Lean, Mean, Killing Machine.  I mean I barely made it past a fucking Bear Cub before I quit the goddamn Boy Scouts.  It didn't take much longer before the romantic idea of being a trucker faded away.  As I got older, I had all but forgotten this 18-wheeled dream.  I was reminded why the idea of being a trucker lost it's appeal when I ended up working in a warehouse loading and unloading trucks.

It was a busy warehouse where chaos took precedent over all, including trust and integrity.  We affectionately referred to it as The Dominion.  I worked with about nine other dudes and we all came from diverse backgrounds and we all had intense personalities.  Well, all of us except one dude who we called "Soft Serve" because he was about as unique and exciting as soft serve vanilla ice cream.  It was like throwing some guy that got caught jaywalking into a cell with 9 dudes who were in for drug trafficking, car theft and sexual misconduct.

 The danger of working with such a motley crew was secondary only to the fact that we were all driving 8000 lb forklifts in reverse, loaded down with 2500 lb pallets, at full speed through a tiny door from a huge cooler to semi trucks backed onto the loading dock.  The pandemonium of blaring horns, loud music, dangerous vehicles and just about every other industrial hazard one can imagine, was added to by the necessity of dealing with a wide assortment of truckers all day long.  Despite the anarchy of this environment, I managed to take portraits of several of these brave American road warriors.  You can see the complete gallery after the jump.


Although they have been romanticized and portrayed in numerous films like 1977's Smokey and the Bandit and a year later with Every Which Way But Loose,  America's fascination with truckers and trucking didn't end in the 70's.  Proof of our commitment to Long Haulers is the History Channel's current Sunday night offering of Ice Road Truckers.  The drivers on Ice Road Truckers are normal folks if not a little rough around the edges and Cledus "the Snowman" Snow and Philo Beddoe were just good ol' boys with a penchant for animal sidekicks and the occasional truck stop fisticuffs.

The image of truckers hasn't always been popular however.  In 2009 the FBI introduced the Highway Serial Killings Initiative.  This targets Over the Road truckers as suspects in every unsolved murder case in which a victim's body has turned up "along or near highways".  The Oklahoma Bureau of Investigation detected a crime pattern as bodies of murdered women began popping up along the I40 corridor in Oklahoma, Texas, Mississippi and Arkansas.  The FBI developed a database and the red dots on this map indicate where over 500 bodies or remains have been found along our highways and bi-ways over the last 30 years.  It's unfortunate that truckers have been targeted just because these murder victims are surfacing "along or near" their workplace.  It's kind of like making every canoe, kayaking and fishing enthusiast a murder suspect because several victims have been found in lakes and rivers across America.  But then again, it's not too hard to imagine a long haul trucker exercising poor judgment after doing an eight ball off his dashboard and then arguing with some Lot Lizard over the price of blow job. 

Over the road truckers are a special breed indeed.  Despite belonging to an almost mythic fringe of society in which they are sometimes portrayed as less than savory, they are responsible for transporting about 10 billion tons of merchandise, essentially every single commodity we consume, to it's final destination every year.   70% of all freight that is transported annually in this proud nation is done over the road by truckers.  That's 671 billion dollars worth of goods that are transported by truck.  Sure, that's a lot of cheap plastic crap being delivered to Wal-mart but it's also all of our food and medicine. 

Well, enough of this Jaw Jacking Good Buddies.  I didn't mean to go Alligator Station on y'all.  I've had too much of the Ninety Weight tonight and now I'm just looking for a Dress For Sale before I Nod Off.  So let's get this Bucket of Bolts moving and head Like a Raped Ape to the next page.  Be sure to Keep Your Flaps down if you see a City Kitty Handing Out Christmas Cards.  The jump will take you Clean as a Hounds Tooth to the next page where you can Lay An Eye Out for my list of the top 5 truckers of all time, a few more stats and a gallery of my trucker portraits.  Alright, I'm gonna Pull the Big One so Keep em' Between the Ditches and Eighty-Eights around the house.

The Nam Diaries 10:08 AM

"I was going to the worst place in the world and I didn't even know it yet. It was no accident that I got to be the caretaker of Colonel Walter E. Kurtz's memory any more than being back in Saigon was an accident. There is no way to tell his story without telling my own. And if his story really is a confession, then so is mine." 
                                                     - Captain Benjamin L. Willard

Readers might remember Eric Karg from "A Milwaukee Mugging" which first appeared in SHP #2.  In that story, Karg tells us about the incident where he was mugged at gunpoint during a drug transaction gone wrong in Milwaukee and the subsequent shame of his "winter penis parade".  A seemingly endless fountain of stories (he sang for 7 seconds once), Karg is back with tales of his journey into the Heart of Darkness.

It begins in Bac Ha, located in the Northwestern highlands of Vietnam about 250 klicks outside Hanoi.  Enjoy the first installment of The Nam Diaries as Karg shares the journal of his travels throughout my homeland.  His only companions are his conscience, a liver saturated with years of searching and a bartender from Madison, Wisconsin.  Karg treats us to an intimate account of his thoughts and experiences as he traverses Vietnam like a snail crawling along the edge of a straight razor.  Hit the jump now soldier.  It matters not if you're a short-timer or an FNG.  It's time to set those widow-makers to rock and roll, we just entered the shit.

You better finish your parakeet before your rat gets cold. 3:44 PM

Welcome back!  I'm glad to see so many fans of Sleeping Horse Pills have found a way to witness firsthand this bold experiment.  As much work as it was to physically produce a single issue of the zine, it pales in comparison to learning the ins and outs of getting it online.  Somehow, crouching in front of a single 30 watt space heater that's spreading the rubber cement fumes around more than it's heating the frozen fingers clutching a frigid x-acto knife in one hand and a Lonestar in the other, was much easier than trying to learn html and all the shit it takes to make this thing halfway decent without spending any more than we did (or didn't) at Kinkos to print this rag.

I will bravely move forward and hopefully win this war, even after losing every battle.  So, to find out what the title of this post is referring to and what the crazy woman staring out the window in the picture below is really thinking, hit the jump and continue reading! 

"Why did you throw my issue of Sleeping Horse Pills out the window?"  "Shut up and eat your din din Blanche."

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.... or a sandal, or a boot. Wait, what the fuck is that thing?? 1:03 PM

Man, fashion trends come and go so quickly it makes my goddamn head spin.  I don't claim to know anything about fashion myself, but there are definitely some trends I was glad to see come to an end. 

Remember a few years back when girls went out of their way to have visible thongs?  I think this practice, affectionately called a "Whale Tail", was titillating to some dudes because I guess they thought that a chick willing to accentuate their ass cleavage with some prominent lingerie, was a chick they had better chances of hooking up with after too many red bull and vodkas at some shitty college bar on 6th street.




There were a lot of things wrong with the visible thong trend, but it's only one of the many things wrong with this picture....

Remember when Crocs were sweeping the nation?  What the hell happened there?  It was like one summer those ugly, multi-colored plastic sandals were being sought out and worn by everybody.  It was like the TOM's of 2003.  The popularity and over saturation of Tom's shoes is annoying but much more palatable than Crocs.  Now, the only people you see wearing Crocs are children under 12.  Why?  Because, besides ER nurses, children are the only people that can pull of wearing fucking clown shoes without looking like a complete idiot.

 

Speaking of questionable footwear trends, the summer of 2010 has been host to a few of it's own objectionable fixtures for the fashion conscious foot.  I broke out the Sleeping Horse Pills Sniper-Cam to bring you:

The Worst Summer Footwear Trends Of 2010 

There was something happening in the world of women's sandals this summer that made absolutely no sense to me.  It was like somebody took those loose fitting ankle boots that were so popular in the 80's and said "Hey man, I love those boots that Molly's rockin' in Sixteen Candles, but it's summer and it's so hot.  Fuck it man, cut some holes in that shit, let's go!" 

It's hard to say exactly what's going on here.  Is she wearing sandals because she's shopping and hanging out on a hot summer day or is she sporting the retro ankle boots because she's about to do some fat lines on the back of the toilet in Elysium and dance to Tainted Love on 80's night?

Being confusing really isn't the worst part about these.  I guess the real problem is that they're fucking ugly. 

Seriously.  I can't even pretend to have a discussion about Form vs. Function with this and it doesn't really matter.  That shit just looks straight up silly.

I don't even know where to begin with these....

Apparently these were designed for runners who prefer to run barefoot.  They're called Vibram FiveFingers (Am I missing something here?  Did they originally set out to design gloves, ended up designing ugly shoes and just forget to change the name to something a little more extremity specific?)  and they set you back $75.  These things are just barely acceptable if you really are a runner, but even then, the minute one stops running they need to remove them and hide them so that nobody knows they own a pair.

You know you're doing something wrong if whenever you're asked about something you're wearing, your immediate response is to justify it with the excuse that it's really, really comfortable.  Okay, I get it.  It doesn't change the fact that 90% of the people I see wearing these are nowhere close to being runners and I have to wince a little whenever I see someone in them.  Ugly and ridiculous don't even come close to describing these.  They make those Double Complete Rainbow colored Crocs look like a goddamn pair of Berluti Rapiécés Reprisés!

Hit the jump to see the complete gallery of the 2010 summer footwear trends we hope don't survive the winter to haunt us again next summer.  Sleeping Horse Pills encourages you to grab your smartphones and practice your sniper skills.  Send examples of how these fashion eyesores appear in your own neighborhood to shpestamuerto@gmail.com.

Back Issues 11:10 AM

Sleeping Horse Pills is still best enjoyed while cranking one out on the throne.  In bed before you go to sleep, lounging by the pool, on the bus and in the library are all excellent places to catch up on your reading, but SHP maintains that the best place and time for perusing your literature of choice is while performing your (hopefully) daily movement.  It's a good opportunity for some uninterrupted alone time and in the right situation, can really be productive.  I pretty much got through most of Finnegan's Wake in the aftermath of chasing the Atomic wings with a $5 Milkshake at the Alamo Drafthouse.

Anyway, it's hard to keep this current incarnation of Sleeping Horse Pills on the back of your toilet unless you wasted money on the 3G i-pad.

No need to worry for those of you that took our advice and used those first few issues for toilet paper or for those of you that simply missed it the first time around, back issues are available!  Check out these hard to find early issues of Sleeping Horse Pills.

Issue #1:  Nic Cage amazes and disgusts.  Palehorse discusses online gambling.  Interview with a Baby Eater.  Marcus is a Birthday Boy.  Then Blumenfeld Siamese Triplets.  Javier Mudvayne and Isabel Darf endorse the zine.  Rock & Roll and much much more in this inaugural issue!

 

Issue #2:  Francois is Under Pressure.  Sex Sells.  Chef Palehorse.  Rocky's mom talks about worms.  Karg's Winter Penis Parade.  Music Review.  Little People in Film.  A Lonesome Kid.  Inside Cover art and an Intro to Beat the Band.

 Issue #3:  Georgia Hubley interview.  Election Excursion at the Fiesta.  In-depth exploration of Candy Stripers.  What's in your Vegina?  Phone sex with Francois.  A Dead Bird in the Driveway and a Fork in the Lawn with Palehorse.  SHP Mad Libs and Wolf Boy.  Nutritional Facts.














I am still offering these collectibles free of charge!  They are 100% compostable and look great on the back of a low-flow toilet for you "save the Earth" folks.  They look sweet when you toss em' out the window doing 85 mph down I35 for the "me first, then the Earth" people.  You can't hollow them out and stash guns or drugs inside them, but they'll do alright for rolling papers in a pinch.  Either way, they are limited in quality before they disappear forever and you can get them by sending a request to shpestamuerto@gmail.com.

Back From the Grave! 10:50 PM

"Time is tugging at me like an elephant, and the dogs are tugging at my heart"
                                                                - Werner Herzog
                                                                   Conquest of the Useless



If I had a nickel for everyone who just said "holy shit, I thought Sleeping Horse Pills was gone forever!" I'd still be a few cents short of an 85¢ taco at the Tamale House.

It's true, the paper version of this legendary zine was born and was buried on east side Austin porches.  The years have flown by and much has changed.  However, the upcoming release of TRON: Legacy got me thinking.  If Kevin Flynn can still be battling the Master Control Panel after after all these years, then Sleeping Horse Pills could be resurrected in the realm of cyberspace as well.

So, I traded in my x-acto blade and rubber cement for control click and cut copy paste.  The best part is that not only has the zine suddenly risen from the ashes like some post apocalyptic zombie ready to tear some shit up, but the ol' i-mac G5 has found new life as something other than a vehicle for internet porn or the magic box that allows me to do some spying on Facebook.  So, once again dear reader, I bring you all the serious bullshit, straight faced hilarity and educational retardedness free for your consumption!

Verne H. Coleman:  The Babiest of baby faces

I am sad to say that I am flying solo with this project.  There is only one set of footprints in the sand and the missing footprints don't belong to Jesus.  No my friends, SHP carries on without the aid of one Mr. Verne H. Coleman.

I still see Verne every now and again and I assure you he is doing well.  The next time I see him I will see if I can grill him up a double cheeseburger with pickled jalapenos (a dietary staple of the original Sleeping Horse Pills), buy him a Lonestar and conduct an interview so that fans of SHP will know if Verne still holds the secret as to why the smallest woman in the world was laughing.

Well, that's about it for now.  Be sure to follow SHP, comment freely and tell all your friends.  For creative contributions, info on where to send materials for review, hate mail and other shit, hit me up at shpestamuerto@gmail.com.   

I hope you enjoyed the short video at the top of the post and the layout.  I have had to teach myself everything about the nature of such things and it has proven to be just as taxing as scamming Kinko's/FedEx for copies until 1am, half drunk, riding the rails until the stapling is done.

Yours.

Rocky Dennis.