3 Ghosts

I apologize, dear reader, for the lack of communication during this holiday season.  I just finished up the community service I got shackled with for knocking an old lady down during this year's Black Friday at my local Walmart.  I could have sworn she was faking it with that walker and pronounced limp just to get ahead in line.  Well, she wasn't and the all-seeing eyes of the Walmart security cameras got it all on tape.

Well that's all behind me now and I've paid my debt to society.  I pulled Christmas off without a hitch.  So anyway, I was sitting there on Christmas Eve waiting for the drink and drugs to kick my holiday spirit, or at least my sense of nostalgia for the holiday spirit, into gear when I was visited by three ghosts.

After hanging out with the ghost of Christmas past for a bit I realized that I should share a little taste of the old Sleeping Horse Pills with some of you newer readers.  And so, what follows is a piece called "Sex Sells but Who's Buying? And, Does it Taste Good" straight out of the Second Issue of the original paper edition of SHP!  To appease the ghost of Christmas present, I let him fly me all over the goddamn place showing me what a bastard I am and then I agreed to include a new review for the Sex Sells bit.  As for the ghost of Christmas Future, that bonehead showed up wasted on eggnog and blow so I think I'm getting off the hook by including THIS link to the Sleeping Horse Pills facebook page which you can "like" and therefore always be informed of any future shenanigans from this humble zine.  Happy Holidays!!

Sex Sells, but Who's Buying?  And, Does it Taste Good?

  We all know that sex is a major component in selling products.  Everything from cars, music, sodas and clothes are thrust at the consumer with advertisements drenched in sexual imagery and innuendoes.
  However, food products generally escape this particular marketing ploy.  Even the most extreme fetishist probably doesn't get all hot and bothered while thinking of Count Chocula, Twinkie the Kid, the Jolly Green Giant or Aunt Jemimah.
  But, since Sleeping Horse Pills loves both sex and food we are the perfect targets for advertisers utilizing sexual images to penetrate our consumer minds.  We found some grocery items that we bought only because the packaging stirred something deep within our loins.

Tweeds - Coconut & Flax Seed Tortilla Chips

  Tortilla chips are awesome and apparently flax seed is really good for you.  We even like coconut, but including coconut into a flax seed tortilla chip is altogether unnecessary.  The initial taste and texture of the chips is good.  It's the aftertaste of the coconut that disturbs the palette as the flavors combine and ultimately clash.  One has to wonder if Tweeds really thought coconut would go well with flax seed tortilla chips or if they knew from square one that a topless, dark haired island beauty cupping two coconut halves in front of her breasts would sell some chips.

Cañita - Tamarindo Aguas Frescas

  Even if you know nothing about the strange fruit known as tamarind, chances are you have probably eaten it at some point.  It's a popular ingredient in many Asian dishes and even pops up in Worcestershire sauce.  The Mexican beverage that utilizes tamarind is sweet, tangy and very similar to a strong apple cider.  We can't think of many situations where we would choose this beverage to quench our thirst, but the airbrushed señorita with those "come fuck me" eyes, straddling a huge vat of sweet tamarind juice makes us imagine that the thing we just drank is always made by a bombshell wearing a bikini top, showing some serious leg and sporting a sombrero.

Launch - Chocolate Monkey Chocolate Banana

   

  I don't want to be premature here, but the banana depicted on the front of this frozen treat reminds me an awful lot of something.  That's right, as I browsed through the treats in the frozen section of my local grocery, the picture on the front of this reminded me of a chocolate covered frozen banana.  That's why I felt totally dicked around by those jerk-offs at Launch when I discovered that chocolate covered bananas isn't even what's in their package.  They're simply chocolate fudge bars on a stick!  There wasn't even a hint of banana flavor anywhere near this flaccid frozen novelty.  

  I'll tell you what though, the advertising worked.  I bought it.  Launch hired a hell of an ad man with a hard on for misleading imagery and a few strokes of genius in this arousing but not quite honest portrayal of what's inside.  I tell ya man, those guys at Launch have got some real balls selling this shit.  

  The side of the box says "Satisfy the ice cream craving... guilt free!"  It's like they're telling every asshole out there getting ready to rub one out to internet porn not to worry and go ahead and wait for the money shot.  "Don't stop... right there!  Oh! that's it, I'm gonna launch.  Faster!  I'm gonna launch.... oh god!  oh god!  I'm laauuncchhiiingg!!!!"  Lame, guess I'll stick to ice cream sandwiches.