Way Outside The Bun 10:22 PM

We've all heard by now of the latest lawsuit launched against Taco Bell regarding its Seasoned Beef.  Fast food chains are no strangers to the courtroom and class action lawsuits.  How can we forget the 1994 Liebeck v. McDonald's case in which Stella Liebeck won a $2.86 million dollar settlement because the coffee she purchased at McDonald's burned her when she dumped that shit in her lap and the sweatpants she was wearing absorbed the scalding liquid, holding it against her skin (the initial amount awarded by the jury was later reduced to $640.000).  And of course, the 2005 incident involving Anna Ayala and Wendy's Old Fashioned Hamburgers.  Ayala claimed that while enjoying a bowl of delicious Wendy's chili, she bit into a human fingertip.  Folding under the pressure of an intensive investigation by the San Jose authorities and health officials, Anna and her husband finally admitted to planting the fingertip in the chili themselves.  She was sentenced to 9 years in prison and her husband got 12.

The most recent litigation hardly seems worth the effort of denying yourself a run to the border after stumbling up and down 6th street doing shots in every bar and going home alone to jerk off into a couple of wadded up scraps of paper decorated with bits of shredded lettuce some cheese and those little plastic corners of Fire Sauce™ packets before you pass out.

The lawsuit claims that Taco Bell and its parent corporation YUM! Brands, inc. are unlawfully referring to their all purpose filling as beef.  Apparently some lawyers got together and took a Volcano Double Beef Burrito (or some other variation of what is essentially the same fucking thing.  The only real choice you have at Taco Bell is whether or not you want your shit crunchy or soft) to a lab.  Minds were blown and the indignation of betrayal gripped our hearts when the results came back stating that the ground beef mixture at Taco Bell was only 35% actual beef!  The other 66% is allegedly binders, extenders, preservatives and the broken dreams of the woman in the donkey show in Tijuana.

Never one to be caught on siesta, Taco Bell has denied any laziness regarding food quality and has come out swinging harder than 15,000 kids with piñatas at one of the multiple Quinceañeras happening on any given weekend at Fiesta Gardens in East Austin.  The official statement from El Presidente of Taco Bell, Greg Creed, states that the lawsuit is bogus and that Taco Bell's beef is 100% USDA inspected.  Mr. Creed and YUM! Brands inc. are so intent not to let a bunch of pendejos pull the sombrero over our eyes that they went ahead and released their secret recipe online.

• 88% USDA-inspected quality beef
• 3-5% water for moisture
• 3-5% spices (including salt, chili pepper, onion powder, tomato powder, sugar, garlic powder, cocoa powder and a proprietary blend of Mexican spices and natural flavors).
• 3-5% oats, starch, sugar, yeast, citric acid and other ingredients that contribute to the quality of our product.

Well, there you go.  Let the battle of the beef begin!  I guess my reaction to all of this is pretty much the way I react to a chihuahua barking menacingly at me, Who Fucking Cares?!  First of all, if anybody that was eating Taco Bell on a regular basis before this lawsuit actually believed that they were eating quality food, then they are an idiot.  Secondly, regardless of the final lab results determining what's inside that crunchy taco supreme combo, I personally am not going to change the frequency of my visits to Taco Bell and neither will anybody else.

Besides the possible discovery that Taco Bell's "proprietary" blend of spices consists of chihuahua puke and the salty tears of exploited farm workers, the thing we should really be upset about are the actual USDA requirements for labeling a product "Beef".

The lawsuit claims that Taco Bell's 35% meat mixture is just below the USDA standard.  Taco Bell claims that their filling contains 88% beef, which is well above the USDA minimum requirement.  The standard for what constitutes meat is defined by the USDA as "flesh of animals".  According to the USDA, the percentage of animal flesh a product must contain in order to qualify as meat is a whopping 40%!  That's pretty low.  So, before you start to go all loco on Taco Bell you need to realize that the USDA has only got our backs on 40% of any meat mixture on the market.  I guess if I have to take that risk with everything out there, I might as well have it stuffed into a neon colored corn tortilla, served 24 hours a day, with a cute dog reciting cultural phrases with an accent that accurately portrays racial stereotypes.

I swear I could riff forever on Fast Food because that shit's funny.  But to be honest, I have been craving a Meximelt and six Crunchy Tacos with about 40 ounces of Dr. Pepper since I started writing this rant on rental food.  Adios Amigos!

Going Postal: Workingman's Blues 12:21 AM

"So and So has a job.  Gets up at a certain time, goes to a certain place.  Takes a lot of pride in his work but it's not what he would choose to do.  Just does it for the money and the opportunity."

                                                                        - Built to Spill
                                                                          So & So So & So From Wherever Wherever

I have never been a career oriented person.  Although I attended college directly after graduating High School, good drugs combined with an utter lack of direction ultimately led to my expulsion (there's a longer story there for another time.  Just remind me to tell you about being kicked out of college for "Squirrel Hunting").  I took a few years off and then went back and got a BFA.   Needless to say, I have done nothing but punch clocks and work a 40 hour work week for most of my life.

As a member of the American workforce I quickly realized that climbing up a corporate ladder was not my bag.  I've exhibited skills and abilities in many jobs that could have put me on that fast track to success, but I guess the allure of Middle Management escapes me.

I've experienced more than my fair share of bosses, managers and supervisors.  I've worked under people that have run the gamut from amazing to piece of shit to burned out robot and everything in between.  I've been cited for insubordination.  I've come close to blows with a supervisor.  I've walked out on a job and I've been fired a couple times.  I've gotten falling down drunk with some bosses and I've bought illicit substances from or supplied them to a few.  I've become close friends with a boss or two. 

Ascending the Corporate Ladder

Regardless of how good or bad it's been, I've always been able to walk away at the end of the day.  A shitty boss might have the pleasure of exerting their power over me while I'm on the clock.  But when I punch out and we walk out those doors, I have the extreme pleasure of knowing that in the real world I am the better person and that those titles and influence don't mean shit out here.

I guess that's always been enough for me but some unhappy employees just get pushed to the edge.  I remember when people would say "going postal" to describe someone getting angry to the point of losing control.  The term was made popular after several incidents of United States Postal employees shooting and killing managers, among others in the late 80's and early 90's.  In the 11 years between 1986 and 1997 workplace rage claimed the lives of more than 40 people.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, murder is officially among the top 5 causes of work-related deaths in the United States.

In "Bad Days (Aurally Excited Version)", The Flaming Lips daydream about being stuck, hating your boss and ending those bad days by showing him no mercy.  Hit the player and enjoy the tune while you read the following synopsis of 5 non-postal incidents of people who killed their bosses.

*Sleeping Horse Pills intends for this to be informative and entertaining.  SHP and it's affiliates in no way condone violence in any form.  Relax for Christ's sake!  It's just a fucking job, it's not your life!*



1.  Ernesto Hernandez Avalos murdered Woo Sung Park in January 2007.

• Ol' Ernesto didn't like being told he was doing his landscaping work too slowly by his boss, Woo Sung Park.  So he beats Park in the head with his shovel six or seven times before switching to a pick axe.  Well, it was hot that day and the meth he did before showing up to work probably didn't help things any.

2.  Russel Carter murdered Kingsley Monk in October 2008.

• Carter drove a truck for Monk and figured he was owed about £3000 in wages.  When Monk wouldn't pay up, Carter beat him with a pipe and strangled him to death with his own tie.  Three other employees were able to escape after Carter doused them with gasoline and lit the building on fire.  The jury rejected his attempt to invoke insanity and he was sentenced to 30 years.

3.  Martin Hoffman murdered Peter Makris in July 2000.

• Hoffman was 35 years old when he was a deliveryman for Pepe's Pizza owned by Peter Markis.  Although, he claimed that the 72 year old Markis was more like a father than a boss, it didn't stop him from stabbing him to death while attempting to rob him.  He was convicted and sentenced to life in prison.

4.  Yolanda Saldivar murdered Selena Quitanilla Perez in 1995.

• In 1995 Perez was the 23 year old Queen of the Tejano music scene and Saldivar was the president of her fan club.  When it became known that Saldivar was embezzling money from the singer, she arranged a meeting to deny the allegations in a Corpus Christi, TX. hotel room.  It was there that Saldivar shot and killed the rising young star of Tejano.

5.  Eric Allen Kirkpatrick murdered Benjamin David Banky in December 2008.

• The 61 year old Kirkpatrick was fired from the natural health products company of which Banky was the CEO.  A day later, at the company Christmas party Kirkpatrick showed up and opened fire, killing Banky.  Apparently he thought he was wrongfully fired or maybe he just thought two drink tickets at the company Christmas party was simply not a sufficient display of gratitude from his employer.  Either way, he didn't win the raffle and the karaoke was pretty lame after the two-hour negotiation with the police.