Way Outside The Bun

We've all heard by now of the latest lawsuit launched against Taco Bell regarding its Seasoned Beef.  Fast food chains are no strangers to the courtroom and class action lawsuits.  How can we forget the 1994 Liebeck v. McDonald's case in which Stella Liebeck won a $2.86 million dollar settlement because the coffee she purchased at McDonald's burned her when she dumped that shit in her lap and the sweatpants she was wearing absorbed the scalding liquid, holding it against her skin (the initial amount awarded by the jury was later reduced to $640.000).  And of course, the 2005 incident involving Anna Ayala and Wendy's Old Fashioned Hamburgers.  Ayala claimed that while enjoying a bowl of delicious Wendy's chili, she bit into a human fingertip.  Folding under the pressure of an intensive investigation by the San Jose authorities and health officials, Anna and her husband finally admitted to planting the fingertip in the chili themselves.  She was sentenced to 9 years in prison and her husband got 12.

The most recent litigation hardly seems worth the effort of denying yourself a run to the border after stumbling up and down 6th street doing shots in every bar and going home alone to jerk off into a couple of wadded up scraps of paper decorated with bits of shredded lettuce some cheese and those little plastic corners of Fire Sauce™ packets before you pass out.

The lawsuit claims that Taco Bell and its parent corporation YUM! Brands, inc. are unlawfully referring to their all purpose filling as beef.  Apparently some lawyers got together and took a Volcano Double Beef Burrito (or some other variation of what is essentially the same fucking thing.  The only real choice you have at Taco Bell is whether or not you want your shit crunchy or soft) to a lab.  Minds were blown and the indignation of betrayal gripped our hearts when the results came back stating that the ground beef mixture at Taco Bell was only 35% actual beef!  The other 66% is allegedly binders, extenders, preservatives and the broken dreams of the woman in the donkey show in Tijuana.

Never one to be caught on siesta, Taco Bell has denied any laziness regarding food quality and has come out swinging harder than 15,000 kids with piñatas at one of the multiple Quinceañeras happening on any given weekend at Fiesta Gardens in East Austin.  The official statement from El Presidente of Taco Bell, Greg Creed, states that the lawsuit is bogus and that Taco Bell's beef is 100% USDA inspected.  Mr. Creed and YUM! Brands inc. are so intent not to let a bunch of pendejos pull the sombrero over our eyes that they went ahead and released their secret recipe online.

• 88% USDA-inspected quality beef
• 3-5% water for moisture
• 3-5% spices (including salt, chili pepper, onion powder, tomato powder, sugar, garlic powder, cocoa powder and a proprietary blend of Mexican spices and natural flavors).
• 3-5% oats, starch, sugar, yeast, citric acid and other ingredients that contribute to the quality of our product.

Well, there you go.  Let the battle of the beef begin!  I guess my reaction to all of this is pretty much the way I react to a chihuahua barking menacingly at me, Who Fucking Cares?!  First of all, if anybody that was eating Taco Bell on a regular basis before this lawsuit actually believed that they were eating quality food, then they are an idiot.  Secondly, regardless of the final lab results determining what's inside that crunchy taco supreme combo, I personally am not going to change the frequency of my visits to Taco Bell and neither will anybody else.

Besides the possible discovery that Taco Bell's "proprietary" blend of spices consists of chihuahua puke and the salty tears of exploited farm workers, the thing we should really be upset about are the actual USDA requirements for labeling a product "Beef".

The lawsuit claims that Taco Bell's 35% meat mixture is just below the USDA standard.  Taco Bell claims that their filling contains 88% beef, which is well above the USDA minimum requirement.  The standard for what constitutes meat is defined by the USDA as "flesh of animals".  According to the USDA, the percentage of animal flesh a product must contain in order to qualify as meat is a whopping 40%!  That's pretty low.  So, before you start to go all loco on Taco Bell you need to realize that the USDA has only got our backs on 40% of any meat mixture on the market.  I guess if I have to take that risk with everything out there, I might as well have it stuffed into a neon colored corn tortilla, served 24 hours a day, with a cute dog reciting cultural phrases with an accent that accurately portrays racial stereotypes.

I swear I could riff forever on Fast Food because that shit's funny.  But to be honest, I have been craving a Meximelt and six Crunchy Tacos with about 40 ounces of Dr. Pepper since I started writing this rant on rental food.  Adios Amigos!