3 Ghosts 9:59 PM

I apologize, dear reader, for the lack of communication during this holiday season.  I just finished up the community service I got shackled with for knocking an old lady down during this year's Black Friday at my local Walmart.  I could have sworn she was faking it with that walker and pronounced limp just to get ahead in line.  Well, she wasn't and the all-seeing eyes of the Walmart security cameras got it all on tape.

Well that's all behind me now and I've paid my debt to society.  I pulled Christmas off without a hitch.  So anyway, I was sitting there on Christmas Eve waiting for the drink and drugs to kick my holiday spirit, or at least my sense of nostalgia for the holiday spirit, into gear when I was visited by three ghosts.

After hanging out with the ghost of Christmas past for a bit I realized that I should share a little taste of the old Sleeping Horse Pills with some of you newer readers.  And so, what follows is a piece called "Sex Sells but Who's Buying? And, Does it Taste Good" straight out of the Second Issue of the original paper edition of SHP!  To appease the ghost of Christmas present, I let him fly me all over the goddamn place showing me what a bastard I am and then I agreed to include a new review for the Sex Sells bit.  As for the ghost of Christmas Future, that bonehead showed up wasted on eggnog and blow so I think I'm getting off the hook by including THIS link to the Sleeping Horse Pills facebook page which you can "like" and therefore always be informed of any future shenanigans from this humble zine.  Happy Holidays!!

Sex Sells, but Who's Buying?  And, Does it Taste Good?

  We all know that sex is a major component in selling products.  Everything from cars, music, sodas and clothes are thrust at the consumer with advertisements drenched in sexual imagery and innuendoes.
  However, food products generally escape this particular marketing ploy.  Even the most extreme fetishist probably doesn't get all hot and bothered while thinking of Count Chocula, Twinkie the Kid, the Jolly Green Giant or Aunt Jemimah.
  But, since Sleeping Horse Pills loves both sex and food we are the perfect targets for advertisers utilizing sexual images to penetrate our consumer minds.  We found some grocery items that we bought only because the packaging stirred something deep within our loins.

Tweeds - Coconut & Flax Seed Tortilla Chips

  Tortilla chips are awesome and apparently flax seed is really good for you.  We even like coconut, but including coconut into a flax seed tortilla chip is altogether unnecessary.  The initial taste and texture of the chips is good.  It's the aftertaste of the coconut that disturbs the palette as the flavors combine and ultimately clash.  One has to wonder if Tweeds really thought coconut would go well with flax seed tortilla chips or if they knew from square one that a topless, dark haired island beauty cupping two coconut halves in front of her breasts would sell some chips.

Cañita - Tamarindo Aguas Frescas

  Even if you know nothing about the strange fruit known as tamarind, chances are you have probably eaten it at some point.  It's a popular ingredient in many Asian dishes and even pops up in Worcestershire sauce.  The Mexican beverage that utilizes tamarind is sweet, tangy and very similar to a strong apple cider.  We can't think of many situations where we would choose this beverage to quench our thirst, but the airbrushed señorita with those "come fuck me" eyes, straddling a huge vat of sweet tamarind juice makes us imagine that the thing we just drank is always made by a bombshell wearing a bikini top, showing some serious leg and sporting a sombrero.

Launch - Chocolate Monkey Chocolate Banana

   

  I don't want to be premature here, but the banana depicted on the front of this frozen treat reminds me an awful lot of something.  That's right, as I browsed through the treats in the frozen section of my local grocery, the picture on the front of this reminded me of a chocolate covered frozen banana.  That's why I felt totally dicked around by those jerk-offs at Launch when I discovered that chocolate covered bananas isn't even what's in their package.  They're simply chocolate fudge bars on a stick!  There wasn't even a hint of banana flavor anywhere near this flaccid frozen novelty.  

  I'll tell you what though, the advertising worked.  I bought it.  Launch hired a hell of an ad man with a hard on for misleading imagery and a few strokes of genius in this arousing but not quite honest portrayal of what's inside.  I tell ya man, those guys at Launch have got some real balls selling this shit.  

  The side of the box says "Satisfy the ice cream craving... guilt free!"  It's like they're telling every asshole out there getting ready to rub one out to internet porn not to worry and go ahead and wait for the money shot.  "Don't stop... right there!  Oh! that's it, I'm gonna launch.  Faster!  I'm gonna launch.... oh god!  oh god!  I'm laauuncchhiiingg!!!!"  Lame, guess I'll stick to ice cream sandwiches.

The Nam Diaries 10:27 PM

Chef:  Almost eight hours....  I sleep and I dream I'm in this shitty boat.  Fuck - is it been eight hours?
           Hello Almighty, Almighty, this is PBR Street Gang - radio check, over.

Radio:  Street Gang, this is Almighty, standing by, over.


                                                                              - Apocalypse Now

Karg continues to make available to Sleeping Horse Pills, the personal journal of his adventures while traveling in Vietnam.  His thoughts are recorded deep within the grips of a Tiger beer and southeast Asian moonshine haze.  His last entry described his encounters with the Hmong people of the Northern Vietnamese climes, in The Nam Diaries Bac Ha pt.I and II.

Having survived the treacherous journey up and down those mountain roads with the guidance of his teenage guide Ang and the brave driver Mia, Karg travels back to sea level and the gorgeous Ha Long Bay.

The mist and water evoke some interesting thoughts as Karg continues to face himself, his perceptions of Vietnam and it's people as well as fellow tourists from around the world.  The exotic locale and languid motion of the water play tricks on the mind of the traveler as he inhabits a boat with Jimmy, the bartender from Wisconsin who is his lone traveling companion and the most familiar stranger on the vessel.

Will Karg heed the advice to "Never get outta boat", or will he come face to face with "a fucking tiger"?  Will he be content to stay on deck where he is subject to restless dreams and nightmares, or will he get scared and impatient, calling in an air strike?  Hit the jump to find out but remember, it may be your mission, but it sure as shit is the chief's boat.

Gratitude 6:31 PM

Back in 1621 the white man shared the first Thanksgiving feast with the Wampanoag Indians.  It was basically an act of gratitude because without the Wampanoag, those stupid white folks would have all perished of exposure, scurvy and contagious disease outbreaks before half of them even set foot off the deck of the Mayflower.  Those Indians brought five deer to the party and I am sure they enjoyed themselves very much.  Good thing too, because a short century later they would be victims of early Germ Warfare when Jeffrey Amherst would supply them with small-pox infected blankets.  And everyone is aware of the controversial reality of modern Native American reservations.  But, that's neither here nor there.  Grab yourself some Green Bean Casserole and put some extra whipped cream on that slice of pumpkin pie while you enjoy:

5 Songs About Native American Indians

1.  "White Man"  Queen - A Day at the Races

A Night at the Opera is well known because the album includes the overplayed song Bohemian Rhapsody.  I think the companion album, A Day at the Races is much better.  It has one of my favorites, a track called "Drowse" that absolutely encapsulates a lazy Sunday afternoon and the feelings from those teenage days when your innocence is long gone but you are not yet faced with the burden of being an adult.  White Man, written by Brian May is the second track on side B.  It's definitely not his best and it's pretty heavy handed with the cliches but still confirms that Brian May is one of the most underrated guitarists of all time.

2.  "Indians"  Anthrax - Among the Living

In Junior High I wore a denim jacket regardless of the weather.  I ran the earphones from my Walkman up the sleeve and I would cup them in my palm and then rest my head in my hand with my elbow on the desk in a typical bored classroom position.  It looked like I was paying attention but really I was rocking the fuck out!  No wonder I suck at math and geography.  Among the Living was a tape I pretty much wore out along with Megadeth's Peace Sells... But Who's Buying and Eddie Murphy's Delirious.  Indians is pure thrash metal goodness with Joey Belladonna shrieking shit like "Even though they know how much their live are really missin, we're dissin them".

3.  "Run to the Hills"  Iron Maiden - Number of the Beast

Iron Maiden!  It's awesome that Iron Maiden's twin guitar assaults are paired with lyrics that have been inspired by history, film and literature instead of some typically asinine doom/gloom/sex metal bullshit.  The Number of the Beast was Bruce Dickinson's first effort with the band after replacing Di'Anno.  Run to the Hills is an epic song with lyrics depicting both sides of the war between Native Americans and the evil White Man.

4.  "Castles Made of Sand"  Jimi Hendrix -  Axis: Bold As Love

This album was playing the first time I ever smoked pot.  Track two, Side two of the Album is Castles Made of Sand, known for it's insanely weird backwards solo.  I love the second verse about a young Indian Brave whose dreams of becoming a fearless Indian Chief are cut short.

5.  "Johnny Kick a Hole in the Sky"  Red Hot Chili Peppers - Mother's Milk

I almost didn't include this one because I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I used to like the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  Whatever, fuck it.  This was the first album of theirs that I bought.  I still liked them through Blood Sugar Sex Magic then I pretty much woke up.  Hearing anything from their current, radio friendly abortions, makes me want to grab the nearest implement I can find that can be used to stab my fucking eardrums into ruin.  You would think that although I no longer like this band, I could still go back and at least get some nostalgia listening to those old albums.  Not the case at all.  When I listen to Mother's Milk and Blood Sugar Sex Magic or Uplift Mofo Party Plan, I fucking cringe at how terrible that shit is.  They are the embodiment of everything that sucks about mainstream music.

SHP Bonus Video:  This song is less about Indians then it is about making sweet love to those hot, all-natural 70's chicks.  Check out the full Indian feather headdress Steve Priest is rocking.  So good.

The Music Made Me 9:45 AM

Music has shaped and informed my life more than anything else.  All of history has a soundtrack and the musical trends of the time reflect the political and socioeconomic climate as well as the popularity and effects of every drug known to mankind.  Most of us are able to associate our most significant life experiences with specific music.  Do you remember what was playing on the radio when you were dry humping your boyfriend/girlfriend in the back of your dad's big Buick?  What was that anthem you would crank up and play loud as fuck the summer you graduated from High School?  What was the first album you bought with your own money?  What did you listen to the first time you smoked pot or dropped acid?  How many albums can you sing every word to, air guitar every solo perfectly and even tap out every drum fill with? 

The soundtrack of our lives is endless and as varied as each of our personal life experiences.  Sleeping Horse Pills documents some of our most memorable music milestones in The Music Made Me.  Eric Karg (Nam Diaries, A Milwaukee Mugging) begins the first installment with First Albums, where we learn about his discovery of Combat Rock by the Clash.

Please comment freely and share the album/artist/band that will permanently reside in the inscribed, modulated spiral groove of your life.  As always, if you would like to submit something more in depth contact Sleeping Horse Pills at shpestamuerto@gmail.com.

First Albums by Eric Karg 

There are so many firsts all jumbled together stammering for a spot on line.  Several loom large as first albums for me.  The Who's Face Dances, The Go-Go's Beauty and the Beat, but today the one that stands out the most is The Clash's Combat Rock.  All allusions to the side, this was the album that felt as if it were written for me.  In matters of fact, it wasn't even mine.  I borrowed it from the library when it came out.

I played it as all the records were played in my household, on my father's Panasonic turntable, a model that had an accompanying tape deck and tuner. I brought it home one afternoon and set to listening, surrounded by the blue flowered bedspread on my parents' bed and the white motif of the rest of the room.  Before this, I would listen to the radio there. You know, Lipps Inc. Funky Town where I would sing along (with strong conviction) the chorus.   Tattoo You by the Rolling Stones.  They were the choices of whatever the local DJ's were playing at WSPT.  Or conversely, my sisters' albums; the Divinyl's, Duran Duran.  But the Clash was something I could call my own.  The musicians bedecked in camouflage fatigues on a train track for the album cover.  Bold, but unlike the posters of REO Speedwagon or Bad Company. Those other bands took the positions of musicians in the sales pitch.  They were arrogant and flagrant in their stances.  The Clash were standing, trying it seemed to share something to the person with the right kind of ears.  I (as instructed by my older sister) gently plied the needle to the record and with total inexperience and anticipation, absorbed the content.  I still do it the same way today despite years of accumulated cynicism.   I can't recall interpreting any distinct messages at the time.  I just listened to it this afternoon and it has lost no power.   Listening today, I can still see how my personal acculturation during that time made this such an important album.  And this day I posit to you that the Clash was so far ahead of their time in the sense of political rock, it has existed almost unnoticed in that arena.   MTV was just a baby at the time and you can forget the inclusive Rock the Vote. 
 

In no particular order:

Rock the Casbah:  It's seemingly casual with the topic, pitting the Muslims against the Catholic in a combat situation while lyrically being almost playful.  “The jet pilots listen to the catholic radio blare, as soon as the Sharif was out of there, they began to wail.”  Wail in this case suggesting that it's at this point where the pilots were to drop “bombs among the minarets”.

Straight to Hell Boys:  This was the most emotional for me.  The inner sleeve photo of the band set in a hut somewhere in Thailand.  With the punk style fatigues suggesting more in the way of combat, looking world weary.  This, coming on the heels of America's involvement in Vietnam stood out strong.  This was years before Oliver Stone did Platoon, and as a country we were still a little new at this kind of war.  A war in which every engagement can be won and the people you're fighting to save don't care.  Forty years later I still can't bring myself to say we lost the war.  But that's what it says in the books and it's a focus for rock and roll Brits.   The cover of the album itself was provocative while the song again, not in a judging way, calls into question the very nature of the human psychological involvement in a war assumed to be just.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?:  A lot could be said about the inner workings of the punk social-cultural scene of the early eighties, but I'll leave that for a more qualified scholar.   For me, I spill more pounds in sweat dancing to this song than any other!  I'm including Ballroom Blitz!  Punk meets Pop in the repetition of the music with a demanding query in the chorus.  The song fit nicely with a boy who was good at football but not good at model airplanes.   I could gyrate as violently as was my want, while in tandem with overwhelming hormones, put the ball in the theoretical other persons court.  God I miss punk.

Sean Flynn:  Does this one speak to me because of the beautiful intro suggesting the Irish countryside?  Does something sad lurk nearby?   This is one of those songs that always seemed to be playing well into a reflective study after a purgative rock out session.   I have never listened to this song while listening to this song.  I am always lost in a reprieve.  I hope it's the same for you.

Car Jammin':  Pretty tame in my estimation.  A nice intro to the album.   Strummer explores his interest in the migration of island music into America's lower economic class and pairs it with the Raga and Ska that was so popular in England at the time.  I'm probably projecting here, but Strummer made music that reached a wider audience, and it really was inclusive.  He never seemed to judge the humble people of the world while at the same time, pouring it on thick to old people and their crumbling institutions.  So, I feel a little redemptive self forgiveness in this song, but it still maintains my youthful arrogance.

Overpowered By Funk:  Well .….not every song is a hit.  I wonder if looking back, this wasn't just a song meant to get down to without all the mental bullshit attached to politicking.  It kind of says it in the title.

Know Your Rights:  This starts the album off with a frenetic pace but yet it's still just barely contained.  This song is an example of Strummer straight from the heart.   It's a less revolutionary and more sardonic representation of living in a top heavy capitalist society.  Who amongst us has not been hassled by the cops at a traffic stop or been forced into community obligation that costs real money.  It's not about class warfare but rather about the dismissive and arrogant nature of man's behavior against his neighbor.  It's the way the Jones' are behaving while you're trying to keep up with them.

Atom Tan:  Reminiscent of some Adam Ant songs.  Fun.

Red Angel Dragnet:  This is the song that started the memory.  Not because of the content or its powerful message, but rather the experience I had the day after I brought the album home.  Now for those of you who did not grow up in the Midwest during the nineteen eighties, I will fill you in.  As a practitioner of Dungeons and Dragons and a listener of Rock and Roll, the number one danger to the youth was indoctrination to Satanism.   It was a bit of hysteria set up by some enterprising youth pastors without a flock.  I remember sitting in one church youth group after another watching video tapes describing in detail, the pitfalls of Satan worship inherent in Dungeons and Dragons.   Let alone the tsunami of backwards messaging secretly recorded onto the popular albums of the time.  I and my friends spent many an hour in the basements of our respective homes listening to Styx, Beatles and lots of Led Zeppelin!  We really scared the hell out of ourselves.   It was in this environment that my caring and concerned mother found Combat Rock.  After perusing the song titles, she found Red Angel Dragnet.   To my mother, this could mean only one thing;  a task force of the devil was working their way across America, gathering up undisciplined and foolish children who, in their cut off jean shorts were listening to AC/DC and swimming at undesignated swimming holes. 

 

Truth be told, this song is about the inception of a NYC citizen police force protecting people from a dangerous subset of drug using villains who covered New York like lice during the eighties.  Founded by Chris Sliwa in 1979, it now patrols over 144 different cites.  I met the founder in 1989 when I more resembled the persons he was guarding the rest of society from.  But thats another story.  My mother gave me a brief and stern correction and left with the album to the library in the belief that its very discussion was an invitation to the Dark Powers.  Best just to be rid of the thing in short order.  It was years till I was able to listen again in detail.  Unlike most of the music out at the time, or even compared to music today, Combat Rock hasn't lost a thing.  I'm listening to it now.

Hollywood Refugees 10:21 PM

You must have heard by now that Randy Quaid and his wife Evi are in legal shit up to their elbows and buried neck deep in crazy.  They are "Hollywood Refugees", seeking asylum in Canada for protection against a mysterious group known as Star Whackers.  They believe that their very lives are in danger and that they are the target of both Star Whackers and the Hollywood Mafia, whom they claim are responsible for the deaths of Heath Ledger and David Carradine among others.  They claim that Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Mel Gibson are also targets.  Last year, Evi was given probation and community service when the couple failed to settle up on a $10,000 hotel tab.  They are currently awaiting a hearing on their refugee status in Canada while wanted in the U.S. for missing court dates related to allegations that they are responsible for $5,000 in damage to a guest home they previously owned and were recently caught squatting in.

I know that Hollywood can be a bitch and that many successful industry people, at some point face the fact that they are penniless while their agents, lawyers and other vermin really have control of their money.  But Star Whackers?  Come on man.  I really think that Evi is more than slightly imbalanced in the cranial capacity that commands common sense and sanity.  Perhaps she has been the bug in Randy's ear for too long.  I do believe that lawyers, even friends and family members could be accused of manipulating Randy for his money, but nobody is involved in a major conspiracy to end their lives in order to gain access to their fortune.  However, when I entered "Star Whackers" into the Google search bar, nothing substantial came up!  What does this mean?!  Maybe it really is a super secret organization that is underground, malicious and capable of offing Hollywood's finest.

STAR WHACKERS HIT LIST

Apparently, there is a large contingent of people out there that believe 110% in this conspiracy as well as others.  Here is a link to a recent statement made by Randy to the Canadian press. The best part is reading the comments.  And here is a good article from the Ottawa Citizen.

Sleeping Horse Pills does not have the energy to report fully on all the Hollywood goings on so we will leave that to the experts.  However, regardless of the current Randy Quaid debacle, he is a 30 year veteran of the silver screen and has blessed us with characters as unforgettable as Cousin Eddie in National Lampoon's Vacation franchise.  He had a small part in 2005's Brokeback Mountain but his last worthwhile performances were in 1995's Kingpin and Independence Day.  Since then, he has been in about 45 other projects.  I recognize none of them.  Most of them are television credits or what appear to be films that went straight to DVD and straight from the dusty corner of your now defunct Blockbuster into the 3 for $5 bin at your local car wash.

Although he is better known for his appearances in Vacation and Independence Day, my favorite film with Randy Quaid is 1973's The Last Detail.  The young Quaid earns an Oscar nomination for best supporting actor in his role as Meadows.  Hal Ashby directs this awesome rite of passage, road trip buddy flick also starring a young Jack Nicholson.

5 Reasons you need to watch The Last Detail 

1.  Randy Quaid shows incredible talent in his portrayal of Meadows.  It is his best, most honest work before he goes on to being stuck in the character actor roles of the "Big Dumb Guy" in his later career.  He is 23 when The Last Detail is filmed.

2.  The script contained so much profanity that filming was put on hold for two years, at which time the foul language standards were relaxed.  If you think I use coarse language in my writing, then fuck you!  The characters in this film cuss like, well, sailors.  The tag line for the film is "No *#@!!* Navy's going to give some poor **!!@* kid eight years in the #@!* brig without me taking him out for the time of his *#@!!* life".

"Always wanting to call me Bad Ass"

3.  It's directed by Hal Ashby.  Yeah, the same dude that gave us Being There and Harold and Maude.  While re-watching The Last Detail recently I thought that it could have been something done really well in the hands of Wes Anderson.  Anderson references the film in The Royal Tenenbaums when Royal turns to his grandsons, Ari and Uzi, after a failed visit to the graveyard and says "C'mon, let's shag ass".

4.  I cannot stress enough how amazing Jack Nicholson is in his 70's flicks.   He did Five Easy Pieces (1970), The Last Detail (1973), Chinatown (1974), and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975).  And to bookend the 70's he gave us Easy Rider (1969) and The Shining (1980).

5.  This scene has "Bad Ass" Buddusky fucking with a redneck bartender while Meadows and Mule look on.  It is the catalyst to every crazy, heartfelt, unrealized, disappointing, hilarious, uncomfortable, necessary and fruitless moment that follows in the film.

Meadows enjoys a hotdog despite having no bun. It makes me think of the line he says 10 years later in Vacation:  "I don't know why they call it Hamburger Helper.  Does just fine by itself".

Monsters are Real 6:25 PM

Monsters come in a seemingly infinite variety.  Although their popularity fluctuates, there are specific horrors that have continually occupied the collective pop culture consciousness.  In honor of this holiday season, Sleeping Horse Pills takes a look at some classic monsters.  In this installment we focus on Vampires.

DRACULA

Dracula is arguably the most famous of all the Vampires.  These mythological bloodsuckers have been been around ever since evolution presented the very first human necks worth biting, long before the Twilight franchise went and douched vampires up forever.

1934 Max Ernst vs. Twilight

Vampires first became popular in the 18th century when Eastern European culture slowly migrated into the west.  It was 1897 when we were first introduced to Dracula himself via Bram Stoker's genre defining novel.  It was nearly 100 years later when I noticed a resurgence in the popularity of Vampires while I was attending High School.  I actually found most of the Goth Chicks really attractive.  Getting past all the black Victorian clothing and Egyptian Ankh's was an annoyance while trying to get to the pale skin beneath,  but it was nowhere near as annoying as having to deal with the ever present Anne Rice novel.

Sexy Goth Girls?  You Decide.  Answer after the jump.

A

B

C

Yeah, Twilight is bullshit and 1994's Interview With A Vampire was pretty dumb too.  They represent the unfortunate trend of dumbing down the mythos and candy-coating the sexuality already inherent in mythological beings for the gratification of tweens and frustrated housewives everywhere.  Karg puts it best when he says "Vampires are just sick.  It just reflects sexual perversion in women".  It's funny because it's true.

Not all Vampire films have been as vapid and ridiculous as the previously mentioned box office nightmares.  Max Schreck plays one of the most recognizable manifestations of a vampire ever portrayed, in the 1922 silent film Nosferatu.  It can be seen in it's entirety here.  The symphony music is pretty cool, but it's awesome if you start it at 1:19:00, turn down the sound and crank the Static Age album by the Misfits instead.  Nine short years later, Bela Lugosi would make Vampires the sexy, suave characters we know them as today in the original film adaptation of Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Two Awesome Vampire Flicks You Might Have Missed:

1.  The Hunger - I am always amazed at how many people have not seen this amazing 1983 vampire flick starring Susan Sarandon, Catherine Deneuve and David Bowie.  Yeah that's right, David Fucking Bowie!  Deneuve and Bowie are stylish vampires who are too cool and high class to use fangs.  Instead, they slit the throats of their victims with tiny blades hidden in their matching necklaces.  Deneuve grows weary of her lovers every few hundred years so only grants them partial immortality.  When David Bowie begins his rapid decline we meet the famous Dr. Sarah Roberts played by a young Susan Sarandon.  Bauhaus has a cameo as a band in a nightclub playing "Bela Lugosi's Dead" and it's has one of the best lesbian love scenes ever filmed.  If Twilight makes you come in your pants then this movie will make your fucking head explode!

2.  Vampire's Kiss - Fans of the zine might remember a short review of this film in the piece entitled Nicolas Cage Amazed and Disgusts from Sleeping Horse Pills Issue #1.  Another entry in the 80's canon of vampire flicks, this dark humor has Nic Cage at his most brilliant as he plays a delusional Manhattan executive losing his mind as he rapes and murders in the belief that he has been bitten and turned into a vampire.


I put together some of my favorite moments from Vampire's Kiss and The Hunger in the very short video.  There's one small F bomb so slightly NSFW, the video and the answer to the multiple choice quiz can be seen after the jump, check it out!

The Nam Diaries 11:46 AM

Michael:  I'll tell ya one thing, if I find out my life had to end up being in the mountains, it'd be all      right, but it has to be in your mind.                                                                                                       Nick:  What?  One shot?                                                                                                                         Michael:  Two is pussy.   

                                                                      -The Deer Hunter  

The last time we checked in with Karg, he was navigating his way through Bac Ha, a cloudy hilltop village in the northern mountains of Vietnam.  Once again Karg shares, through his personal journals, the delicate balance between the hunter and the hunted deep within the Heart of Darkness.  National beer and Homemade corn wine are his only protection from the unexpected coldness of the climate.  The damp, chilly air at this altitude is reminiscent of the weather on the mountains of Western Pennsylvania in the late 1960's during deer hunting season.  Despite apprehensions, Karg travels even further into the mountains with Jimmy, the bartender from Wisconsin.  What fate awaits them amidst the mountain dwelling Hmong?  Do they make it back alive or does Jimmy play Nick to Karg's Michael?  This is our one chance to find out my friends, so put three bullets in the chamber and *click* the jump.  We only get one shot at this and Sleeping Horse Pills ain't gonna hunt with no assholes.

                              

Sleeping Horse Pills: Found Objects 8:25 PM

I'm always walking around with my head down.  It's a practice that lends itself to finding money or drugs that have carelessly been dropped by someone.  I developed this habit from years of trying to find money and drugs that I have carelessly dropped.  Years ago, on my way to a My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult show, I arrived in Denver only to realize that I had lost some party favors somewhere along the way.  I turned around and drove 30 miles back to Longmont and found my tiny stash of LSD in a huge Burger King parking lot strewn with greasy fast food wrappers and all the flotsam and jetsam a pit stop on the side of I-25 is wont to collect.  If anyone would have just casually been scanning the ground, their Double Whopper could have been a much more interesting experience.

It's pretty rare that I actually find anything as useful as cash or drugs but sometimes whatever catches my eye ends up being interesting.  As they say, "One man's trash is another man's treasure".  Please enjoy the first installment of Sleeping Horse Pills: Found Objects, in which I will share my collection of trash.

 

SHP:FO#1

I recently found this discarded/lost notepad at work.  I flipped through it, and most of it is simple, mundane tasks and notes related to the job.  But then I came across some writing that seemed out of place.  Some of the scribbling takes on the style of a journal entry and this catches my eye amidst the usual lists and reminders that typically define a work notepad.  There is some powerful venting and frustration that the anonymous Puncher of the Clock felt the need to record.  I have obscured the names to protect the disgruntled and to protect as well, the corporate machine this particular drone relies on for a life sustaining paycheck.

It looks as if this employee was gearing up for a meeting with the Management and was ready to get some shit off their chest about RED, whom they think just isn't quite pulling their weight.  Apparently, it's a response to an issue that has already been addressed.  The note to self even goes so far as to couch it in language that clarifies what they themselves are being accused of ("what you're saying is....").  I guess they thought they should get their thoughts down on paper so they knew exactly what they wanted to say in the upcoming meeting.  It is questionable that they would throw RED under the bus while using BLUE as a shining example of proficiency in the work environment.  I guess it just boils down to self preservation.  However, this dude should get a raise just for being prepared for such a meeting.  I wish I had the presence of mind to write that shit down.  Instead, I just walk around having that conversation in my head.  I stroll through the workplace very animated, talking to myself as I pantomime and fantasize about what the interaction might look like.  No wonder people stare at me.

This page of the notepad is a bummer.  And by bummer, I mean Totally Awesome!  As always, you can click the image to enlarge.  Kudos to this member of the American Workforce for being introspective and knowing what they do and do not want.  In a situation like this, do what old Rocky Dennis does.  First, failure is not an option.  Remember what Yoda says, "Do or do not.  There is no try".  And don't beat yourself up over some perceived failure, beat up your coworker or even your immediate supervisor.  It's amazing how much pressure of the job can be relieved by throwing a little boot stomping party for your least favorite supervisor.  Basically, do everything short of going in there with your guns a-blazin', so you can alleviate the need to associate being miserable with your workplace.  Seriously folks, what's the worse they can do, write you up for insubordination?  The Employer/Employee marriage is a fucking business relationship.  You are obligated to do your job and do it well, but you don't have to buy into their philosophical posturing or subscribe to their politics. Shit, here comes the boss! 

Road Jockey Portraits 9:11 PM

When I was a kid I wanted to be an "Army Man".  I played with the classic little, green plastic Army Men constantly and I think my mother still finds them half buried in various places throughout the yard of my childhood home.  A close second on my list of grown up occupations was an interest in pursuing a career as an Interstate Trucker.  The Army Man dream died pretty early when I realized that shooting people might be fun, but being shot might not be.  I also realized that I would never even make it through Boot Camp.  There was no way in hell I could tolerate some asshole yelling insults and threats inches from my face, trying to break me down only to build me back up into a Lean, Mean, Killing Machine.  I mean I barely made it past a fucking Bear Cub before I quit the goddamn Boy Scouts.  It didn't take much longer before the romantic idea of being a trucker faded away.  As I got older, I had all but forgotten this 18-wheeled dream.  I was reminded why the idea of being a trucker lost it's appeal when I ended up working in a warehouse loading and unloading trucks.

It was a busy warehouse where chaos took precedent over all, including trust and integrity.  We affectionately referred to it as The Dominion.  I worked with about nine other dudes and we all came from diverse backgrounds and we all had intense personalities.  Well, all of us except one dude who we called "Soft Serve" because he was about as unique and exciting as soft serve vanilla ice cream.  It was like throwing some guy that got caught jaywalking into a cell with 9 dudes who were in for drug trafficking, car theft and sexual misconduct.

 The danger of working with such a motley crew was secondary only to the fact that we were all driving 8000 lb forklifts in reverse, loaded down with 2500 lb pallets, at full speed through a tiny door from a huge cooler to semi trucks backed onto the loading dock.  The pandemonium of blaring horns, loud music, dangerous vehicles and just about every other industrial hazard one can imagine, was added to by the necessity of dealing with a wide assortment of truckers all day long.  Despite the anarchy of this environment, I managed to take portraits of several of these brave American road warriors.  You can see the complete gallery after the jump.


Although they have been romanticized and portrayed in numerous films like 1977's Smokey and the Bandit and a year later with Every Which Way But Loose,  America's fascination with truckers and trucking didn't end in the 70's.  Proof of our commitment to Long Haulers is the History Channel's current Sunday night offering of Ice Road Truckers.  The drivers on Ice Road Truckers are normal folks if not a little rough around the edges and Cledus "the Snowman" Snow and Philo Beddoe were just good ol' boys with a penchant for animal sidekicks and the occasional truck stop fisticuffs.

The image of truckers hasn't always been popular however.  In 2009 the FBI introduced the Highway Serial Killings Initiative.  This targets Over the Road truckers as suspects in every unsolved murder case in which a victim's body has turned up "along or near highways".  The Oklahoma Bureau of Investigation detected a crime pattern as bodies of murdered women began popping up along the I40 corridor in Oklahoma, Texas, Mississippi and Arkansas.  The FBI developed a database and the red dots on this map indicate where over 500 bodies or remains have been found along our highways and bi-ways over the last 30 years.  It's unfortunate that truckers have been targeted just because these murder victims are surfacing "along or near" their workplace.  It's kind of like making every canoe, kayaking and fishing enthusiast a murder suspect because several victims have been found in lakes and rivers across America.  But then again, it's not too hard to imagine a long haul trucker exercising poor judgment after doing an eight ball off his dashboard and then arguing with some Lot Lizard over the price of blow job. 

Over the road truckers are a special breed indeed.  Despite belonging to an almost mythic fringe of society in which they are sometimes portrayed as less than savory, they are responsible for transporting about 10 billion tons of merchandise, essentially every single commodity we consume, to it's final destination every year.   70% of all freight that is transported annually in this proud nation is done over the road by truckers.  That's 671 billion dollars worth of goods that are transported by truck.  Sure, that's a lot of cheap plastic crap being delivered to Wal-mart but it's also all of our food and medicine. 

Well, enough of this Jaw Jacking Good Buddies.  I didn't mean to go Alligator Station on y'all.  I've had too much of the Ninety Weight tonight and now I'm just looking for a Dress For Sale before I Nod Off.  So let's get this Bucket of Bolts moving and head Like a Raped Ape to the next page.  Be sure to Keep Your Flaps down if you see a City Kitty Handing Out Christmas Cards.  The jump will take you Clean as a Hounds Tooth to the next page where you can Lay An Eye Out for my list of the top 5 truckers of all time, a few more stats and a gallery of my trucker portraits.  Alright, I'm gonna Pull the Big One so Keep em' Between the Ditches and Eighty-Eights around the house.

The Nam Diaries 10:08 AM

"I was going to the worst place in the world and I didn't even know it yet. It was no accident that I got to be the caretaker of Colonel Walter E. Kurtz's memory any more than being back in Saigon was an accident. There is no way to tell his story without telling my own. And if his story really is a confession, then so is mine." 
                                                     - Captain Benjamin L. Willard

Readers might remember Eric Karg from "A Milwaukee Mugging" which first appeared in SHP #2.  In that story, Karg tells us about the incident where he was mugged at gunpoint during a drug transaction gone wrong in Milwaukee and the subsequent shame of his "winter penis parade".  A seemingly endless fountain of stories (he sang for 7 seconds once), Karg is back with tales of his journey into the Heart of Darkness.

It begins in Bac Ha, located in the Northwestern highlands of Vietnam about 250 klicks outside Hanoi.  Enjoy the first installment of The Nam Diaries as Karg shares the journal of his travels throughout my homeland.  His only companions are his conscience, a liver saturated with years of searching and a bartender from Madison, Wisconsin.  Karg treats us to an intimate account of his thoughts and experiences as he traverses Vietnam like a snail crawling along the edge of a straight razor.  Hit the jump now soldier.  It matters not if you're a short-timer or an FNG.  It's time to set those widow-makers to rock and roll, we just entered the shit.